Why yes... My tree is still up. It's still Christmas.

Happy 8th Day of Christmas!  Yes.  It's still Christmas.  It's also New Year's Day.   My tree is still up and it will remain up until probably next weekend when I can have the proper time to take everything down and put it away.   Those of you who know me, personally, know I am easily overwhelmed.   Today is a battle of being overwhelmed to the point of wanting to crawl back in bed.  I am overwhelmed by the tasks that lie ahead today.  Tasks that do not bring joy.  And being in a situation I loathe almost to the point of wanting to die than be faced with it.   If I were to tell you the situation you'd say... that "It's ridiculous for you to feel this way."   But I 'feel' this way nonetheless.    I ask God to help me face the tasks that lie ahead today, even though - physically I feel alone in these - and literally I am alone.  So that is why it's important for me to cling onto the magic of Christmas and the Hope it brings.  The hope we have in Christ.  The advent season is about waiting and preparing our hearts and home to receive the gift.  The Christmas season (12 days - beginning on Christmas day) - helps me continue to celebrate that hope and promise.  I need that today.    I need hope. 

Most of you who know me well, know of my passion for England, the history, films, actors, etc.  I have been thinking lately, in light of current news events, of another early church martyr - like my Lady Jane...  If you have never watched the movie: A Man For All Seasons - I would encourage you to do so.   It is about Sir Thomas More...
Sir Thomas was a government official in England several hundred years ago, under the reign of Henry VIII.  Most everyone knows that  Henry wanted to annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon, (his 1st of 8 wives) to marry Anne Boylen & basically continued this pattern until he found one to conceive a male heir.  This obviously put King Henry at odds with the Church. Ultimately, Henry declared himself head of the Church so that he could get divorced without condemnation.  Sir Thomas More, was a public servant and a good friend of the king.   Sir Thomas found himself in a position where he either had to sign and recognize the legitimacy of the King's actions, or refuse and commit treason. Sir Thomas ultimately committed treason.

Sir Thomas was not a man who sought martyrdom, but he was put in a position where he had to choose between the law or God, and he chose God. He was ultimately executed and dismembered for his crime. Before his death, he is quoted saying... "I die the King's good servant, but God's first."

Some other quotes from the movie:
"I think that when statesmen forsake their own private conscience for the sake of their public duties, they lead their country by a short route to chaos."

"Since the Court has determined to condemn me, God knoweth how, I will now discharge my mind concerning the indictment and the King's title. The indictment is grounded in an act of Parliament which is directly repugnant to the law of God, and his Holy Church, the Supreme Government of which no temporal person may by any law presume to take upon him... It is, therefore, insufficient in law to charge any Christian to obey it."

Sir Thomas More: [in his prison cell] "... If we lived in a state where virtue was profitable, common sense would make us saintly. But since we see that abhorrence, anger, pride, and stupidity commonly profit far beyond charity, modesty, justice, and thought, perhaps we must stand fast a little - even at the risk of being heroes..."

So my friends - and I ask this of myself as well - What are we willing to risk?  I feel in my heart that we are living in the last days.  We are clearly seeing a great falling away where many "Christians" are choosing the world & would rather be accepted by the world than stand for Him who came to save us. We are not of this world and it is a guarantee we will be persecuted for standing steadfast in the faith.   Let us always remember Jesus was crucified for being Truth incarnate. I Pray the Holy Spirit speak to all of us who follow Him regardless of the cost.   https://youtu.be/zbZfh-5QsAw

Wickhams & Willoughbys vs. Darcys & Brandons

In my life, I have chased a lot of Willoughbys. Why not? They're exciting, dashing & often quite naughty.  They defy authority and (usually morals).  In truth, without the Wickhams or Willoughbys would we ever grow to appreciate the Darcys or the Brandons who hopefully, will come our way and rescue us in due course?   I know I was rescued by my own personal Brandon about 13 years ago & I am ever so grateful he did...  A few weeks ago, I had a unique experience of interacting with one of the 'good guys'.  He was portrayed as a man of mystery & intrigue, but also on the side of might for right.  Imagine, if you will,  a patriot, a Kingsman, a Knight in shining armor all rolled into one person.  I don't know whether our paths will cross again, but I know while I was there - the excitement was palpable.  It reminded me of being young again, when my imagination ran wild.  I see in my own daughter her love, in fiction & film, of the Wickhams & Willoughbys... those bad boys from Slytherin House... We just can't help ourselves.  But eventually we realize that we are made for someone/something more.  Something/someone - better.  That's why we shouldn't give ourselves to just anyone.  God's plan is better than our plan.  Always.  I learned that the hard way and I pray my daughters learn it with less scars.  There is a truth out there.  God's truth.  From the very beginning, the enemy has been trying to get us women to believe God doesn't really want the best for us.  So he will dangle the Wickham & Willoughby apples in front of us.  And say, "Why wait?"  God's being mean to you... he doesn't really want you to be happy... he wants to make you wait.  Here this person is now... He's everything you 'dreamed' of."    But it's a lie.  The same lie really.  It's a bad apple.  And the moment you give in, and 'settle' for it you'll know.  You'll feel less than...  God never intended for us to feel this way.  His words are true.  Hold out for the hero - He will find you.  No matter what. 

"Expectation is the root of all heartache." William Shakespeare

Things don't always go as planned. I am the first to admit I am a 'baby' about things like this.  I don't do disappointment well.  I wish I did. One would think I'd be a pro at it by now.  Admittedly, I do bring things upon myself.  I make bad choices and I loathe to bear the consequences.  Yesterday was my 2nd mother's day without my mom.  I spent the day the way I wanted to - at the lake.   And I had fun for the most part.  But I expected somethings to be different.  And I was disappointed.  I have no desire to make anyone feel bad.  It is what it is.  The day came and went and no one said I was special or told me I was a good mom.  And admit, like the baby I am... that I actually I needed to hear that.  I am resigned to the fact that I was disappointing daughter to my parents.  I face that reality every day in the harsh black and white terms of their will and trust.   I looked on FB last night and read all of my friends' posts of how they were celebrated.  FB is sometimes a very hard place to go.  Sometimes it boasts of things that are only seen on the surface.  It rarely goes deep.  Maybe that's what blogs are supposed to do.  I don't know.  All I know is today, like many days...I am sad.  I am wishing for some other reality than the one I am living in.  And I don't know how to make that go away.  There is some quote that says, "Disappointments are God's way of giving you something better. "  Today.  I don't believe that.  Not sure if I ever believed it.  I'm happy Mother's Day is over and I don't have to think about for another year.

I heart New York

A week ago today I was in NY with my daughter and we were touring the 9/11 memorial.  It was a sobering sight.  But one I had wanted to see.  We spent 3 wonderful full days in the City.  Saw a lot but not everything, so we get to go back soon.  Already plotting a trip...  It was my 4th trip to the beautiful island of Manhattan. And it was a thrill to introduce her to my daughter for her 16th Bday.  If you've never been to New York, I encourage you to visit.  It's truly a 'character' in it's own right.  You can almost feel the pulse of a city that is truly alive.  Also - forget that you've heard that New Yorkers are rude.  They are not.  They love their tourist.  Most everyone I've encountered has always gone out of their way to be helpful and welcoming.  Which - in turn, makes me want to come back, again and again.  They are smart.  They are chic.  They are savy.  What's not to love.  And if you love movies and theatre as much as I do, then New York is a paradise.  Everywhere you turn, it seems you're walking by a building or landmark that's been on film or on stage.  It's like living in an alternate reality... which is quite up my alley.  Lots of great memories to be made here. And I look forward to making many more.   I <3 New York. 

I have a hard time letting Christmas go...

I'm having a hard time.   Today is the 10^th day of Christmas. And my heart is heavy.  1st of all it's this blasted rain.  I'm sick to death of it.   I will probably break with tradition and take the Christmas decorations down tomorrow instead of on the 12^th day. (Epiphany). I know some people can't wait to take their tree and decorations down and be done with the mess. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, but for me, I have a hard time with Christmas being over, period... so I'm glad to have an excuse to leave everything up for all 12 days of Christmas.    I like the lights and the decorations. This Christmas was hard. I cried a little. But less than I thought I would. I missed my parents. Here lately I've been dreaming about them still being here and getting into trouble. Like last night, I dreamed they wrecked their car. They were fine, just shaken up. But still, they couldn't recount to me how the accident had happened and I felt frustrated... like I would have been in real life. The other dreams I've had have been similar. Something has happened to one or both of them and no one can tell me what's going on and there it is again... Frustration. I think it's God telling me that even if they were still here, life wouldn't be great for them or for me. And they are in a better place. Safe. I never made it to the cemetery for Christmas. And since it seems to be raining now – non-stop since forever... I don't see me making a trip there any day soon. The stinking rain. I hate it. It's killing me – depression wise. I can't take Christmas ending and all this stupid rain. It makes me want to run away. But any place I ran, wouldn't be far enough from the rain. Heading to NYC in about 12 days with Mackenzie for her 16^th bday. That will be fun. Hoping rain/snow won't follow us there. Or the flu. Just feeling burdened today by a whole host of things. Christmas is over, I hate this rain... And I wish I hadn't been such a disappointment to my parents.  

Sovereign - Chris Tomlin (Worship song with Lyrics) 2013 New Album